Exasperation and Irritation

“I go from exasperation to a state of collapse, then I recover and go from prostration to Fury, so that my average state is one of being annoyed."
-Gustave Flaubert

“The one who cannot restrain their anger will wish undone, what their temper and irritation prompted them to do.”
-Horace

I love Fei. That is true. But what is also true is that at times Fei aggravates me. Monday night is a perfect example. We had a great day and then a horrid night. This is what happened:

We started the morning just fine. A little early but whatever. A great walk in which Fei began lifting his leg to pee. We spent the morning playing and then he spent the afternoon sleeping. We even had a great photo shoot session (see post for Nov. 17th). The evening also started off well. He ate his food and when he needed the bathroom I let him out into the backyard.

Around 8pm, I went in search of him. He had left me for a nap and usually that means he is in my room. I checked and he was not there. I go towards my cousin's room and all of a sudden Fei runs out of the room. He looks at me and runs. Uh-oh. He's done something. Rami and I look over the room but see no signs of #1 or #2. I go to Fei and give him a stern glare and he runs under the kitchen table and watches me. All is forgotten since no evidence of wrongdoing was found. Until much later.

About to go to sleep, Rami finds an unwelcome surprise. He comes to me and tells me that Fei has peed on Rami's blanket, sheets, and bed. Two large puddles of Fei pee. I am incensed! I go to Fei and glare so fierce. Right as he is about to bolt, I grab him and put him in the cage until I can think. Eventually, Fei gets punished and I take a walk in the cold to clear my head. We made up the next morning and all is well in the land of Fei and Ju.

However, I can't believe how angry I felt towards him. Thank goodness for Fu and D! Talking to them before I went back to Fei helped calm me down. Granted once I went back to the room, I could not bring myself to even really punish him. But still, M. Flaubert described my range of emotion perfectly. At first I felt so exasperated! Fei should know by now not to go indoors! He's been trained. And he definitely knows not to go on a bed! I felt like a failure. I felt like everything I've done training him had collapsed. I then felt so intensely angry that I did not know what to do with myself. During my walk at 1am, I just felt generally annoyed. Fei brings out a side of me that is so much more emotional than I usually am. And I will admit. I was already a very emotional person. I take a lot of things to heart and personally.

I love him. And he makes me extremely happy. But he also has the power to make me incredibly angry. I am glad that I was able to follow the ancient Roman poet's advice and practiced restraint. I would have definitely been ashamed of myself come morning.

I am taking this as a learning experience. I had told my mother last week that Fei was perfect practice for me. A way to see if I could be a mother one day and take care of another being. And he is. Its not only about taking care of him, its also about taking care of myself and balancing tempers and different wills. That's hard. I admire all my friends with children. What I go through with Fei must only be one iota of what they go through. And now I also know: I am definitely not ready for motherhood. Not just yet.