Exasperation and Irritation

“I go from exasperation to a state of collapse, then I recover and go from prostration to Fury, so that my average state is one of being annoyed."
-Gustave Flaubert

“The one who cannot restrain their anger will wish undone, what their temper and irritation prompted them to do.”
-Horace

I love Fei. That is true. But what is also true is that at times Fei aggravates me. Monday night is a perfect example. We had a great day and then a horrid night. This is what happened:

We started the morning just fine. A little early but whatever. A great walk in which Fei began lifting his leg to pee. We spent the morning playing and then he spent the afternoon sleeping. We even had a great photo shoot session (see post for Nov. 17th). The evening also started off well. He ate his food and when he needed the bathroom I let him out into the backyard.

Around 8pm, I went in search of him. He had left me for a nap and usually that means he is in my room. I checked and he was not there. I go towards my cousin's room and all of a sudden Fei runs out of the room. He looks at me and runs. Uh-oh. He's done something. Rami and I look over the room but see no signs of #1 or #2. I go to Fei and give him a stern glare and he runs under the kitchen table and watches me. All is forgotten since no evidence of wrongdoing was found. Until much later.

About to go to sleep, Rami finds an unwelcome surprise. He comes to me and tells me that Fei has peed on Rami's blanket, sheets, and bed. Two large puddles of Fei pee. I am incensed! I go to Fei and glare so fierce. Right as he is about to bolt, I grab him and put him in the cage until I can think. Eventually, Fei gets punished and I take a walk in the cold to clear my head. We made up the next morning and all is well in the land of Fei and Ju.

However, I can't believe how angry I felt towards him. Thank goodness for Fu and D! Talking to them before I went back to Fei helped calm me down. Granted once I went back to the room, I could not bring myself to even really punish him. But still, M. Flaubert described my range of emotion perfectly. At first I felt so exasperated! Fei should know by now not to go indoors! He's been trained. And he definitely knows not to go on a bed! I felt like a failure. I felt like everything I've done training him had collapsed. I then felt so intensely angry that I did not know what to do with myself. During my walk at 1am, I just felt generally annoyed. Fei brings out a side of me that is so much more emotional than I usually am. And I will admit. I was already a very emotional person. I take a lot of things to heart and personally.

I love him. And he makes me extremely happy. But he also has the power to make me incredibly angry. I am glad that I was able to follow the ancient Roman poet's advice and practiced restraint. I would have definitely been ashamed of myself come morning.

I am taking this as a learning experience. I had told my mother last week that Fei was perfect practice for me. A way to see if I could be a mother one day and take care of another being. And he is. Its not only about taking care of him, its also about taking care of myself and balancing tempers and different wills. That's hard. I admire all my friends with children. What I go through with Fei must only be one iota of what they go through. And now I also know: I am definitely not ready for motherhood. Not just yet.

Jay!!!

Jay!! I'm going to see Jay!! Wow...the pure awesomeness that is Fu!

Wow!! Yay!!! ^__^

Fei @ 8 Months

So adorable! He was such a great sport for these pics!

8th Month Mark

Happy 8th Month B-day to Fei!!

::sniff:: They grow up so fast!

Fate: A Silly Drabble

"What fates impose, that men must needs abide; It boots not to resist both wind and tide"

- William Shakespeare

"Fate is not the ruler, but the servant of Providence"

- Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

Finally. As the large clock overhead chimed six o’clock, Fate heaved a huge sigh of relief. Gathering her things, she waved merrily to her co-workers and ignored their irritated grumbles at her cheerfulness. She sobered up and practically tip-toed past Life’s office door and ran to the elevator. She whistled on the ride down. She loved Fridays. They marked the beginning of her much deserved breaks. Constantly fulfilling destinies and steering people on the right (or wrong in some cases) path was exhausting. From now until Monday at nine in the morning, she was off and free. She loved it. She could still feel the tugs on her mind. There were people whose wills were determined to force her into action. But she firmly filed them away. She was off. There was no way that she was going to meddle or be called into action before her weekend was over.

Lol. A day in the life of Fate. This came to me in a conversation with Lina and my silly mind would not leave me be until it was written. Fate takes weekends off. I figure even Fate needs some time off. All those demands! I can so see her as a clock watcher who runs towards the elevator eagerly awaiting her release from pressing demands. I can also see Life as an overtaxed worker with no time off who doesn't hesitate to show displeasure. I would tip-toe passed that door too.

There are so many people who rely on fate and who believe that everything is fated to be. Can you imagine the pressure? But I'd rather think like Mr. Bulwer-Lytton. Fate is but a servant and deserves some time to herself as well. Perhaps when she takes these days off, man can do for themselves what they constantly yearn and leave to fate. Or maybe I'm too jaded. But still, I wonder: What does Fate do on the weekends? ^___^

Jealousy

I used to think that jealousy was a frightening and bizarre human reaction. I could never really understand the need to stop others from being happy with someone else or doing something else. Tuesday night I learned that jealousy is not exclusive to humans. Fei came along on the puppy shopping adventure with Fu. He started trembling the instant we got there. He calmed down a bit and seemed genuinely interested in the adorable little Yorkie Fu was holding. Fu and I switched dogs...and that's when it happened.

I have never seen Fei react that way before. Earlier, one of the workers had said that Fei was looking jealous. But when he saw me with that puppy, wow. It made me love him even more though. I've never cared for jealous people. Actually, it prompts me to get away from them. But with Fei it was totally opposite. I actually felt happy that he cared that much and did not want another dog in what he sees as his place. Lol. But alas, little Buttons is quite adorable and I have some treats planned.

When we got home, Fei refused to let me out of his sight and even when going to bed stayed as close to me as possible. I told my mother and cousin and they said it was obvious that Fei is very possessive. How distressing. Yet, I can take this behaviour from an animal, but, despise it in a human. Albert Schweitzer once said, "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the human spirit." That is how I feel about Fei, especially in my dark moments. Whenever I am down, he always comes and snuggles or requests playtime. And it helps. He helps rekindle my spirit. For that I am quite thankful and he totally deserves all the treats and attention.

Originality

As I snuggle into my blanket on the couch watching my puppy pace from one corner of the room and back again (don't ask for I do not even understand), I suddenly find myself thinking about originality. I've been told that my story ideas are original (and of course I've heard the "Wow, that's cheesy and oh so overdone" critique too). But what does that even mean? What's really original? Lately, I feel as if every story has been done before. I'm pretty sure someone has even posted something on this before as well.

So...what's the point? Why write? I'm not creating anything spectacularly new. I've been pondering this question. Maybe, as my dear friend suggested despondently, I'm not cut out to be a writer. And a big part of me agrees. Yet, tonight I've found my answer. I'm not a writer, I'm a reader. Every story I think of are actually stories I desperately want to read. If someone wrote it for me, I'd be just as happy and not feel any need to write it. I write so that I can eventually read the story.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm so protective of my writing. Some of my friends have asked to read them, yet, I say no all the time. I do not write for others, solely for myself. That does not make it any easier to write though. I am my worst critic and I edit before I even write things down. Maybe I should free-write as though I am in a creative writing course?

In my own form of writing therapy, I have given myself tasks. This blog is one and writing at least a chapter a week in any story is another. I have always felt encouraged by my close friend L and I will take her advice and add another task. This will most likely change the style of this blog but I will find a way to write based on something meaningful to me. Time to go through some books.

As I prepare to publish this post, Fei has finally stopped wandering and has settled on the opposite couch with a bone hanging from the side of his mouth. Utterly adorable. Especially since he is flat on his back passed out.

Random Research

Why do I always do this to myself? (what you ask?) Why when I'm just passingly interested in something do I go and research the topic to death? I find I do this with everything.

Take for example my recent post about the Regency romance story. Since the idea has come to me, I've spent a lot of time reading about nineteenth-century England. Lots of history articles about everything from gardening, fashion, architecture, manners, and of course romance. Its sick. I need to stop. Although, it is cool to now know all this stuff.

I think that's what I did to Of Religion and even Atlantis. I spent so much time researching Ancient and Classical cultures and their religions that I stopped writing in OR and kept reading. I really want to finish that story. I even really want to finish writing in Atlantis but I keep getting caught in literature. Hmm.

Chilled...

When I look at my dog and see him spreading his legs, I hear..."Chilled Balls..." Damn you, Claire! Lol. Once again, I'm not going to go into my dog's perverse nature, although, it does deserve attention (^^). Anyway, I've had this floating in my head and what better way to get it out than to force others to think about it too. I'm prone to writing Sci-Fi / Fantasy, yet, I have this romantic (of a sort) story constantly playing itself out.

The Setting: Regency England (how original). Late Fall (in the hopes that most of the story plays out in Winter).

Characters: The Heroine (for she is always the main focus) is from a respectfully wealthy family. Despises the wasteful and basic ineptness of her cousins. Despairs of ever finding a like-minded companion. The Hero is from a well titled family recently down on their luck. Most of the family has moved to the Americas. He has been left with the task of giving a "proper British" education to his nephews and one niece (although he, not being an educator, has no ideas what that even means and argued that point repeatedly).

Story: The Hero decides to consult various intellectual journals because he thinks the authors must know something. He is particularly interested in the writings of one scholar (guess who). He starts up a correspondence and eventually asks for input on educating children. The Heroine is a bit baffled, but immensely bored at home and not wanting to spend her time constantly discussing gardening and fashions, she throws herself into creating a curriculum for these children.

And that's all I have. Where's the conflict? And seriously...as I typed this out I kept laughing at myself. Horribleness.

Writing Blues

I find myself always wanting to write but the instant I either pick up my pen or open a Word document, my mind goes blank. Not cool. I really want to write in Of Religion but I think I need to rework it and well rewrite some scenes. I've been writing in the prequel but still...I feel a blankness. I used to know where it was going but now not so sure. What happened to my creative juices? I used to be able to write chapters in one day now one sentence needs to be dragged out. I miss writing.

Why does my dog like to lie on his penis?

No...seriously. He is always lying down that way. Doesn't it hurt? Lol. No this is not a blog discussing my puppy's genitals, although I will probably talk about him a lot. But hey, didn't I grab your attention? ^___^